It took me a long time to be ok with writing these words. I wish I could say moving to Cali has been rainbows and sunshine but honestly, it’s been the complete opposite. While our family has tried to be thankful for the good, the bad has kept us down and on some days have broken us.
After Marcus and I returned to working outside the home, things felt stable. We were happy. Then Marcus felt ill in December and received news that his kidneys were failing. He was now battling stage 5 Chronic Kidney Failure. Our lives were turned upside down. His condition was so serious he had emergency surgery to place a catheter in his chest to being Dialysis.
Let me back up for a second. At the end of September, we also got some news… exciting news. We were expecting yet again. Yes, Damian was about to be a big brother. While the excitement came quickly so did the heartache. It was bittersweet everything with the pregnancy as I tried to understand what our lives would be like for the next years with Marcus illness and a growing family. My reality became holding our family together because we all didn’t understand what this illness meant for Marcus.
We soon learned kidney transplant was a must and that dialysis would be the treatment until then. The catheter in his chest would be his lifeline and soon he’d need another surgery for more permanent treatment via a fistula in his arm. It was a lot.
This has been so much for both Marcus and I. we both fell into some type of depression. I felt guilty for feeling tired and wanting to selfishly runaway. Here I was basically a single parent to 3 kids and one more on the way as Marcus spent countless days in and out of the hospital with a total of 4 surgeries from December to February. He was also unable to go back to work as he adjusted to his new normal of 4hours in a chair for dialysis 4 days a week.
Soon we had to explain to the kids what was happening with Dad and that alone was heartbreaking. Talking to you kids about treatment, depression, and death is not something that comes ease. I spoke to my therapist to learn how to explain things to the kids without keeping them in the dark… especially the older ones.
It’s been 7 months since we’ve been trying to adapt to this new normal. We have good days… we have bad days… but overall we roll with the punches. Our family is learning to embrace chronic illness as a family.
Marcus has been in good spirits. Finishing his transplant process to begin finding a donor. I’ve given birth to a beautiful baby girl and the big kids are on summer vacay in Jersey with their grandparents.
I’ll be sharing more soon. In the meantime, thank you for continuing to read our blog and reach out via social when we’ve gone dark. It feels good to share and write again.